Weird Jug
The fresh faced store employee smiled at me as I stepped toward the dairy case. I felt a little uncomfortable under his gaze as I opened the door to the outsized refrigerator and reached for a two-pack box of 2% milk. I hesitated:"Jug's different" I mumbled.
Apparently that was his cue.
"Good afternoon sir" he began. "You may have noticed the new energy efficient shape of the milk container."
I glanced at him. He stood smiling with his head to one side, hands clasped before him. It seemed to me that his eyes were a little glassy. He continued:
"The new shape is not only more energy responsible, it also stores more easily in your refrigerator and" - he paused for emphasis - "it pours without difficulty."
 The proper way to pour the new jug |
"Uh, how does the new shape save energy?" I muttered, stumbling into his trap.
He moved into my personal space to recite: "To begin with the uniform shape allows for more containers to be loaded on each truck, thereby reducing shipping traffic. It also transfers less heat energy and allows for a tighter pack in your home refrigerator!"
I shifted my feet so that the shrink-wrapped squarish two-pack was between the fresh faced employee and myself. I was certain that his pupils were dilated.
"That's great. Gotta go." I turned and hastily pushed my cart in the direction of the fruits and vegetables. The fresh faced employee trotted along beside me.
"And don't forget - it pours more easily!"
I quickened my pace and was able to outrun him by the time I reached the dog food section. Shaken, I sought out a German sausage sample and refreshed myself before I continued with my shopping.
A sense of foreboding hung over me as I finished shopping and drove home. My gut told me that the weird jug was merely the leading edge of a conspiracy to force the American public into accepting the radical ideas of the 1960's. "Think of it" I said to myself, "This is the richest nation on earth. Why would we need a milk jug that transfers less heat energy and why - " my flesh crawled as I glanced at the weird jug, "did the fresh faced employee have dilated eyes?"
The next morning we had oatmeal and I realized that it was time to try out the weird shaped jug. I pulled the container from the frig and set it on the counter.
"Weird shaped milk jug" my wife commented as I filled my bowl with healthful organic oatmeal.
"Uh-huh," My hands trembled as I tilted the jug toward my bowl of oatmeal, "But they save energy in a variety of ways" I recited mechanically, "and they're easy to..." a tidal wave of 2% cascaded from the mouth of the weird jug and overshot my bowl by several inches.
Thinking fast, I dumped my oatmeal on the counter and used a spoon to create a parameter around the flood.
"What are you doing?" my wife screamed.
"I don't want to waste the milk, Hon" I said as I placed the finishing touches on the oatmeal dam.
Then, selecting a bread knife from the cutlery block, I scraped the oatmeal into a tight circle; the milk lapped at the top of the retaining wall. Next, working with a precision and skill I hardly knew I possessed, I maneuvered the mass of milk and oatmeal toward the edge of the counter and back into my bowl. Hardly any of it landed on the floor.
I turned toward my wife with the dripping bowl, a note of triumph in my voice as I said, "I was right - a conspiracy! But they won't find it so simple to make a fool out of me - Ha Ha!" I pumped my fist a couple times as I raised my gaze to look at my wife. I was alarmed to see her expression. I don't remember what she said after that; I was busy balancing the bowl of oatmeal with one hand while I tried to protect my head with the other. I do recall that her eyes seemed to be dilated.
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